"I LEFT, AND NOW I'M HAPPY."

As my alarm goes off at 6:30 in the morning, playing that aggravating sound that would probably agitate me as well if I heard it coming from the room next to mine, I slowly open my eyes whilst scrunching my forehead, portraying the "I hate mornings" mood that most people probably do on a regular basis, to check if the sun is up through my tiny window. I do this religiously with the thought of having a great start of the day- a boost of some sort that gives me the idea that today will be productive and fulfilling.

To be honest, the first few months I practiced that routine was actually to refrain from checking my phone. It would be unhealthy for me to start my day with either a discourteous text of argument, or no text at all.

This is my story. For those who have been following my blog and other social media accounts, I'm pretty sure you have an idea on what I've been through. The first few months were brutal. My mindset was that I was not a good enough person; that I had deserved every bit of hurt, whether it be an "outside" pain or an "inside", which I think leaves a deeper scar. The pain of having a thin, sharp blade accidentally cutting the vulnerable areas of a person's body, or to be literally thrown out of an apartment with an overdue rent- the pain was different. I would rather have experienced those than to be talked down and stepped upon, leaving a negative on my self-esteem. I felt like I was drowning. I wanted to move, but there was a force that kept me from defending myself. I had a thousand thoughts in my mind that I would have uttered in a trembling voice with the occasional, nervous stuttering, but it was as if I was choking on water.

After more than a year  of that "cycle", I finally decided to leave. I decided to become an independent woman who respects herself as much as she should. It's been over a year of being single. I have never felt more free.

I've spent the entire time focusing on myself. My bond with God was strengthened, my academic status improved, my family comforted me in ways I never expected they would, and I have gained friendship. The idea of having a nice dinner with warm people who lift up your spirits felt like I was too light that even gravity would not have succeeded in its sole purpose. From drowning in negativity, I was floating in pure bliss. The feeling of talking to people, whether it be in person or through devices, without the thought of someone raging on the idea that I am involved in unfaithful acts which, if I might add, were not even appropriate assumptions to begin with, is just... free.

Do I regret my past relationship? No. Though the disappointments were overwhelming, I have gained experience. I am now more patient in the sense of not rushing any significant stage of my life, because I am fully aware that God will provide the perfect timing. The happy days we've had were beautiful, and as previously stated, I regret nothing.

To the one who made me a better person, hey. I hope you're doing alright. I pray that the experiences we've shared have made you stronger and weaker at the same time, with regards to full positivity. Being weak is not a bad thing, nor is being strong a sign of power. I have never told you this personally or through any other form of communication, but here it goes. I forgive you. I ask that you forgive me too of all the things I have done, and those that I haven't accomplished. This will be the last of me acknowledging your presence, or the fact that we have shared all of those memories, no matter how subtle or extreme they may be. It's just better this way. Pain sometimes subsides with total absence. Thank you for the love and care you've given. Take care.

:)